he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
