It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
