Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
