My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
