i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
