if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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