The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
