i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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