You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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