Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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