Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
