Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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