The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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