Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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