Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I didn't notice because vodka
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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