I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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