my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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