perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
