she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
