Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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