Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
