Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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