Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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