I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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