mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
