I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
