I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
