we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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