I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
