please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
