Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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