Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
