Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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