shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
