Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Randomize
