oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
