I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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