Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
