We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
