Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
