hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
