I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
