I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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