Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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