Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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