Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just had sex bonerless
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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