UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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