Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
