I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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