forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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