i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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